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Worth all the while

Apr 20, 2009

1209

I’d never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.

Isabella Swan, “Twilight” OK, I admit as a guy I kinda ashamed to watch

“Twilight”, but then again, I’m a huge fan of Kristen Stewart before she became big mainstream star with “Twilight”, you gotta watch her performance in “Speak”, awesome (enough about her or this blog will change title to “Dedicated to Kristen Stewart, one of the most beautiful girl with attitude that I admire”, back to the quote, about death and the gloomy part (my favorite part).

Recently I just visited a member of my family that infected by cancer (and she died not long after I visited her). It began in her lung but now spreads almost to her entire body, which resulted in the paralyze state in her body (exclude facial expression, which is kinda useless since she uses a machine to breath, so her face is kinda numb if you ask me. As I write just before, she died not long after I visited her. I remember when I visit her, she is smiling like she is seeing some sort of angel (OK, that’s exaggerating) or she win the first price on the lottery (now that’s more like it, materialistic and greedy, just the way I like it). After paying tribute to her, I talked to her family, her husband and her child, they told me that honestly they think that she won’t make it. But you know what, I hear that before. Yes it’s the third time that she went to the ICU and went into “critical zone” but she made through it twice, will she make it the third time (they say third time is a charm, but my money is in the “no”, sadly I won this time). The doctor said it’s a miracle that she went that far. Medically she’s not supposed to through the first but maybe it’s a miracle (which I strongly not agree with) or maybe it is called death defy by will (more like it, defies to the end, way to go aunty). Her husband said that her positive attitude made her through this far. She enjoyed every moment and grateful for everything that ever happened to her, the good and the bad, she never takes everything for granted. She believes that everyone loves her, that’s probably why she smiles like she sees a grand prize when I visit her. Well I’m not attending her funeral cuz I work at that time, but everyone says she smiled and happy when she passed away, surrounded with family that loves and cares for her (I envy that, I hope I get the same treatment).

And suddenly I remember my friend have a friend, or maybe had a friend? Well my friend’s friend has, or had (you get the idea, I didn’t exactly know what happen to him since I’m not that close to him, well to be honest, I never get too close to everything especially God, if that concept is trustworthy or legit in the first place), well he is sick. Cancer (what is with this thing?), in his brain and to make things worst, his parents aren’t wealthy enough to give him a proper treatment in the hospital. So his parent tries the alternative way, mystical, involving shaman, psychic, etc. Of course He didn’t buy it, so I assume death defy by will won’t work cuz he already waving white flag.

I remember when my friend’s friend (OK let’s call him Johny cuz it sounds cool) paid my friend a visit, all washed out and already look like a zombie. After a brief non-sense talk, I try to cheer him in my own way (you know the pessimist type). I said to him, “Why so gloomy, just like you’re gonna be dead tomorrow? They say you only got 4 months right? Just enjoy it”. I know it doesn’t sounds good, kinda rude if you ask me, no wonder he seems offended and shout on me. But thanks to help of a little alcohol and lack of sleep, I didn’t give a damn of what he shout at me, and frankly my dear, I don’t give a damnã (“Gone with the wind” if you don’t get the joke). So I just keep talking (which I don’t remember much but just a fragment of it but I tell you what I remember that night), I tell him, what’s the big deal if you gonna be dead in the next 4 month? I mean at least he know when he gonna be dead and he could do so much to prepare himself. He could try to redeem his sin, or to try things he never tried before. I said consider yourself lucky, cuz I never know when I will die, maybe today the ceiling just fell and hit me and I’m dead, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, so consider himself a lucky bastard, it’s not like we gonna live forever or anything, it’s just the way we go that different (OK I’m an a$$hole, I admit it).

Ok, I don’t remember what I said after that, maybe I’m passed out, maybe he hit me I don’t know (maybe that’s why my head is hurt, maybe it’s not the hang-over afterall), but my friend tells me that Johny seems have a new hope. Wow, I don’t know that a word from a drunken dude could sounds wise and full of gold, maybe I should be drunk more often ^_^. I wonder what happen to him, maybe he already dead, but I hope he found peace or a chance to live his life to the fullest. But remembering him and my aunty makes me realize that this life is short, it could passes you by a speed of light and you won’t remember or realize it when it passed you by, the only things left is something like regret or realization or just something in between (since I believe that someone who regrets something that he did is a stupid, so I choose a realization). Damn, I’m 25 and I’m still live with my parent, still didn’t have enough money to go the gym or buy PS3, etc (is that a regret or a realization? More like a whine).

So cuz it seems like I can’t be wealthy instantly, so I have to come up with a better idea. Before I die, I have to accomplish thing, not like saving the world, you know I’m just a pessimist and self reliable- bastard who didn’t give a damn if I’m just a small fish in this world full of big fish. So I tried the useless way, like bungee jumping, surfing, ride a bicycle (I admit I can’t ride one), and other useless stuff consider by some but means a lot to me. So I’m just try to live my life to the fullest, in my own way, so when my time comes, I won’t have any regret, I could say, “It was one hell of a ride, do your worst and do it quick, eh?” No regret, no remorse, know nothing. I hope they write on my grave “a man who live and die in his own way”, and they play “Not Falling” by Mudvayne rather than religious or uncool song like enya or pop song like ABBA “I have a dream”, eyuh! I know it sounds petty, useless and pathetic, but since it’s the life I built with my own hand, it’s worth all the while.